Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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