My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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