3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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