dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
