It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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