The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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