Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
