i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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