FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
