Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
what is it with giant penises always finding me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
