new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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