I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
