How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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