i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I don't deserve a penis
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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