I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
