just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Randomize
