Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Houston, we have a squirter
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
