really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
