i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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