new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dude i'm inner monologue high
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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