No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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