Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
