dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
