Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
