Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
