maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
