You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
