I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
