You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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