I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
