My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
