yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
