Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
