My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
