I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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