I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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