Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
