i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
he fucked my hip out of place.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
