this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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