I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
