I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
im six kinds of drunk right now
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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