Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
