i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
