My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
