Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
