DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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