I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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