I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
