He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
