i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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