im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
